Samadhi and psychotic states. ´07´24

It is Sunday, 14th of July, 2024, 1:08 a.m.

I just held japamala for protection in my left hand.

Familiar shaking is about to stop, and I am calming down my fear by writing.

I drank some water too and asked Grandfather Fire for protection.

I put Lila to sleep just before 11 p.m. last night and sat for meditation.

I read 70 pages of Man’s Eternal Quest by Paramahansa Yogananda yesterday and sat in full determination to meet God. I was breathing calmly, chanting mentally Om Nama Shivaya.

My body gradually froze, and at some point, I started to observe pain in my knees growing stronger and stronger.

Observations, photography Margaret Madeleine Hadaczek

Finally, I rested in shavasana, breathing calmly.

I was about to give up and let go, and for a brief moment, I became all around me—the building I am in, the beach.

I am not sure whether it was dissolution or what happened, but I came back. I got up to use the toilet and felt like, Aha, Master Yogananda was right. I was calling God, and He did answer me.

Fear showed up.

I moved to the bed and was about to sleep, realizing that I might have had some early samadhi state. But as my body started trembling in a familiar way that in the past led me to an unstable state requiring medical intervention, a question came to mind:

Can somebody cause a reaction in the brain that might be dangerous for mental health?

And I felt that I wished to ask the Master, and maybe Yara too. Dr. Mia Fabergas came to mind, and I felt very lucky that my brother is present here and that I can talk to him tomorrow and share my concern.

Now, as I am writing this, the fear is gone. There is absolute trust in the Creator within me, knowing that I am safe at all times. I am protected, and no harm can touch me. I am healthy, divine protection is within me and around me, and whatever comes my way, it is just

intelligence manifesting itself.

My previous experiences do not determine future outcomes, and fear always stands as a guard to a new level of reality that lies in front of me.

This familiar feeling of shaking, which my brain previously associated with fear—fear of being trapped in the moment, the negative aspect of my mind, and the illusion of danger—might simply be a symptom of Mother Kundalini rising or me entering into a new state of conscious experience.

It might be another initiation, and I shall meet it with grace and full trust.

There is only love and only God.

And I am healthy.

All of a sudden, I am not sleepy anymore.

In that moment on the floor, when I became more than my body for a second, concern arose that everything might become irrelevant if one attains Self-Realization—that my daughter Leela, my life as I know it, my life as a human might lose its value to me, and my heart will be broken forever.

Is it possible?

Master mentioned in his lectures that when he attained samadhi, he did not wish to come back. He understood how nothing in this world carries relevance and that even for him, it was very difficult to function back in society.

One must be careful what they wish for.

Maybe I have not expressed my intention in the right way.

Sathya Sai Baba is watching over me.

The whole Kriya Yoga lineage is watching.

How funny that my intention for the meditation was a home. And then, as soon as I started, I felt that it's an irrelevant subject and that first, I'd like to surrender to Heavenly Father and establish a connection with Him.

Some connection was definitely established.

I did not fully trust it—maybe because it was horizontal.

1:36 a.m.

Thank you, God, for this experience.

What a marvel. What a cosmic joke.

Some karma is still to be burned.

I feel and truly hope You’ll have mercy on me.

I felt like sugar was my ally at some point, but now I know it does not serve me. Madness.

What is it?

Please protect me and allow me to observe from a distance my own reactions.

Drive the process Yourself, in Your infinite mercy and love.

Please be present and shine Your light on my heart and my soul, and allow me to remember that my mind and my ego are my allies and best friends and that I shall fully trust and surrender to Your power.

You chose this path for me, and I know that You can change anything You want at any given moment, and that as Your child, I shall fear nothing, for You won’t allow a feather to fall from my head.

If this is, in fact, some sort of initiation, so I can cross the gateless gate, please make sure I do it safely so that my human self and my family are not affected or touched by suffering caused by mental instability.

I prefer to love You and long for You for the rest of this life in health and reverence.

I know that You know that I am writing this now out of fear—fear that the most desired state in the universe, the state of Union with the Creator, the state of true Yoga, might cause a psychotic attack within me and might not be recommended for me, neither now nor ever.

What a punishment would that be.

Or maybe a reward?

It’s hard to say.

What I wish to say for now is:

Thank you, Master Yogananda, for making sure I read my books and continue my Kriya studies.

Thank you, Master Imran, for stopping me for a bit.

Thank you, my guardian angel, for making sure I am training my physical body to become stronger.

And to You, Heavenly Father, for giving me the sign I was praying for.

Today, I shared some dreams on the beach with my girlfriend, Sasha.

They seem so trivial now.

For my only wish is to stay healthy and become healthier every day in Your presence and Your protection.

Health is everything.

It is so fragile.

I keep forgetting.

Thank You for reminding me.

I love You.

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank You.

I forgive myself.

Loka Samastha Sukhino Bhavantu.

I am Yours.

I know I am here and now, and this moment of surrender to Your will, which I choose consciously, allows me to live in my truth.

If You wish to grant me a wish, please allow me to accept all Your decisions with grace and help me discern whether something is truly You, Your will, or whether there are still some imposters in between us, pretending to be You.

Samadhi and psychotic states. ´07´24

All is helping me, and all is divine.

I know You are always with me.

I trust in You completely.

CONFIA EN MI.